It has been a few days since the miscarriage. I have been trying to move on since then. I have braved myself to visit Ilyas' grave. It was still very raw, no name or simple wooden signage to show that it was Ilyas' grave. Idros had to do a few more rounds of calling to ensure that this will be look into.

I try to make the best of what I can do and not dwell my head into thinking about it. I found out playing with my kids are the best distraction. But from time to time, I might accidentally have memory flashes of what had happened. Or simply think about silly things at the back of my mind.

 Reena has been wanting a new school backpack. Therefore I thought about getting Irman a new backpack for school too. Then I thought about Irman's current backpack, which was still in good condition and I would tell myself "It is okay. I can use it as a diaper bag when the baby comes."

But that is just it. The baby is gone. And I have this accidental thoughts about him.


My husband is also not coping so well. He kept thinking of a lot of "what if's" situation that could have avoided this. He of course have come into terms with Ilyas' death which is all under His plans but Idros thoughts linger on the cause of its death.

I knew it was stress. I had the stupid SPARKS accessors coming in 2 weeks back when the death happened, I even went into the extend of assisting in setting up a class.


This has traumatising effect on my husband and I. We are afraid to go through this terribly sad situation over again. He said, "I think we are not ready to have another child for the time being."

We can plan but Allah determines. Let us see how the future unfolds.