it was once there

From the start of the pregnancy, I knew it
wasn't going to be a smooth one.

I was told it will be of high-risk.

Yet, we saw heart beats. We saw movements, we saw a living thing, growing within me through the ultrasounds.

So we proceeded.

Dr Chan saw me yesterday. And started to look at my baby through the ultrasound straight away.

His confused silence gave it away.

Then I started to look at my fetus. It didn't move an inch.

I looked at Dr Chan's face and said, "The baby is not moving. Is it..?"

He replied, calmly, "No. But let me try again."

After what seemed to be about 10 minutes, Dr Chan finally concluded, "Your baby is not moving. I can't detect any heart beat. There are no evidence of a regular blood flow in the baby's body. The baby is also not growing for the past 2 weeks. It could possibly mean that it was dead since 2 weeks ago. I am afraid we have to terminate this pregnancy."

My eyes became blurry. My heart skipped faster as opposed to my poor fetus' still heart. My mind became ultimately blank.

I could make out some words he said in the background like, "My brother will take over as I am on leave. He will induce you. You will be in great pain. You have gone through c-section so it will be risky but we have to deliver the fetus and clean your womb. Can you call your husband in?"

Dr Chan explained to my husband about what had happened. My husband nodded quietly.

The only thing I heard him say was, "No post-mortem. Let the baby be as it is, for burrial."

I got myself together and barely cried when I stpped out of his office. My aunt was the receptionist and explained the "cleansing" procedure.

I heard myself say, "I want to seek a second opinion."

So we went to a polyclinic. The young doctor said, "We do not have an ultrasound machine to scan your baby."

With that fantastic answer, he gave me a referral letter to KKH for further examination.

We could not manage to visit the hospital on the same day itself. My kids were with us the entire trip. Because we were planning to stay over in JB for a day or two after my gynea visit. My parents were also in Bali. And my mother-in-law had a few cooking orders that she needs to settle.

So we will be heading down to the hospital today to remove my dead fetus from my body while the kids are in school.


While we were in the polyclinic, I saw newborn babies. Then earlier today, on facebook, I saw a few family and friends, in labour. I am so happy for them. And I can't stop to ponder what it would be like if this fetus just hung in there for a while more. I would have probably be the next excited mother all geared up for labour.

I cried when I was alone. I aready had a hunch what its gender was and I have prepared a name for it. I even went into detail to look for the perfect way of spelling its name. I refused to talk to anyone about it. I couldn't. When I tried, I will end up in a wave of sobs. Not even my husband. I will just get very emotional and upset at him. He is not coping very well with the news as it is.

I have an exam this Saturday. And I have already called the institution to delay my exam as an individual.

Allah has His reasons. Perhaps it is a way to show us to care for and love Reena and Irman more now. Perhaps it is to remind us what He is always capable of. Giving and taking it away. So we have to constantly be humble. Wallahua'alam.

And before this, I was wondering why there are those who I care for around me, would prefer to shut me out from their lives.

But now. The thing that I want most. Is to be alone for a while.